From the great site "I Need Coffee", the comic stylings of Jym Annear... don't miss his essay Coffeehouse Archetypes as well.
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Humor
The Hawaiian Election Chaos Theory
Originally posted November 4th, 2004...
What will really happen tonight when the votes are counted? Five minutes with the interactive Electoral Vote Tracker from the LA Times is enough to create a realistic, albeit gloomy, scenario that takes Florida out of the spotlight. In what I call The Hawaiian Election Chaos Theory, the entire country must wait until the votes are counted in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Without Hawaii, it is possible that neither candidate ends up with the required 270 Electoral votes needed.
View Electoral Map of H.E.C.T.
The election centering on Hawaii could set off an odd chain of events. The author of this blog disclaims all responsibility if this actually occurs. Stranger things have happened though, like the world's most powerful nation deciding between these two schmos in the first place.
Anyway, it comes down to 4 candidates (don't forget Boy Wonder John Edwards and Bush's Dr. Evil - ol' What's His Name) contesting 4 electoral votes. Someone from FOX notices this is perfect setup for... a reality show, what else? They immediately send the proposal to the Hawaiian State House for approval to decide the election on some twisted Survivor-like show on the island of Niihau.
Offended by such arrogance from the mainland, the Hawaiian State House declares their independence, ceding from the Union and returning to tribal rule (give or take the influence of several thousand Japanese investors). Upon hearing that Hawaii has ceded and that the U.S. has Naval bases there, Still-President Bush appears on television to call Hawaii the newest member of the Axis of Evil, a "clear and present new-cle-ur threat" and orders immediate air strikes on Pearl Harbor.
Meanwhile, in Washington, the Supreme Court has to decide if Bush's 269 Electoral votes earn him a second term or if the Electoral votes of Hawaii should go to their closest neighbor, California, and thus swing the election to John Kerry. The Justices debate while the Battle of Pearl Harbor concludes. The votes of the Supreme Court are cast 4 to 4 and the deciding vote, and the fate of the Presidency, is in the hands of Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist. As he begins to speak, he can't get the words out, his thyroid cancer flaring up under the intense pressure of The Hawaiian War and the election. Judge Rehnquist dies in his chair as the stunned court hangs at 4 to 4.
The Supreme Court now stuck in limbo by untimely death, Hawaii set ablaze as a warning to South Carolina, and Bush and Kerry both waiting for the deciding 270th vote, the nation returns to its daily routine on Wednesday waiting for a leader to emerge.
In a time of chaos, one man comes forth to lead. A man of character. Well, at least a character. A man of at least reasonable qualifications. But more importantly, a man that understands how to work the media and create an image. Declaring himself Emperor and announcing that the Super Bowl will now be a week long death match in His Honor, the confused and exhausted nation celebrates his unlikely victory over democracy.
The winner, after the dust has settled on the 2004 Hawaiian Election Chaos Theory? All Hail, the new leader of the People's Republic of North Central America, Emperor...
